Guilt...

I was prepared for guilt; guilt from my husband, my son (not intentionally, he’s two), and guilt that I would place on myself. My husband is in fact one of the best manipulators that I know, and now he is getting really good at making me feel guilty. I don’t know if he is intentionally trying to make me feel guilty but either way, ugh. Last night was his first night home since Friday (gone 4 nights) and all he talked about was how our marriage is going to work. How if we both want it to work, it will. We both want it right??? “I just can’t imagine not waking up and seeing Buddy, how am I going to afford to live in CA…I’ll have to move and then Buddy won’t see his daddy, etc.” GUILT, GUILT, GUILT… Notice he didn’t even once mention about moving out again, like I asked him to.

Honestly, I don’t know how this marriage is going to work out. On top of being unhappy I just don’t know how I am ever going to be attracted to my husband again. I have been sooo unhappy for sooo long and it isn’t just going to go away. He even suggested we stay married (even without sex) for the sake of our son. NO! However, I want to try to make this work for my son…notice I don’t say for MYSELF…I want to give him that perfect family life. But really who am I kidding, perfect is when I am happy with my son. In return he will be happy. Right?

I feel like I am rambling but that is how my emotions are feeling right now, a huge messy pile of shit. I just hope that once we finally go see a marriage counselor next week things will get started. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Right now my husband and I are acting like friends again, I know I am dreaming, and I just want that to last for the sake of my son.