Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is the big day. My husband will be moving out and we will officially be separated. My marriage of almost six years will be over (to an extent). Wow, when you get married you never think this could happen but now...

It is real. But as my wise sister told me, "You have to be at peace with your decision and trust that God has a plan." (I think I quoted her correctly...she said much more today but those words really stuck out.) Like I said in a previous post, my sister is amazing. I sometimes feel that she is the older sister giving all this fabulous advice.

I am just ready for tomorrow to be here. I am tired of having the same conversation or lack of conversation over and over. All he talks about is what he is going to take with him when he leaves. TAKE IT ALL I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!

I can sit and listen to the same shit but what I didn't appreciate tonight was the fact that he didn't even respect that Buddy was sitting right with us. I know that I sometimes am not as careful as I should be, I'll admit that. But when we are eating dinner you shouldn't make the following statements...

When I move out...

I hope I can find another place to live...

What? Why are you looking at me like that? You think he isn't going to know something is wrong when I'm not home this week or on the weekend?

REALLY??? Why are you being an ASS??? I know Buddy's world is going to be rocked!! I get that. I also get that you don't understand why I feel the way I do. And I know that whomever you talk to will get your fucked up version of things. Fine. I'll be the bad guy, it's for the best. I know that in my heart.

However, I am more concerned about Buddy than you fucking give me credit for!! I don't think it is appropriate to talk about him or our separation as if he isn't sitting at the same table as us!!!!

I don't have the right answer. How are you supposed to tell an almost 3 year old that his dad doesn't live in his house anymore????

I Have the Best Sister...

I just wanted everyone to know that I have the BEST sister on the planet!!!

I love and admire her more than she knows...

New Layout...

Since I am still continuing with my motto...fake it until you believe it...I thought I would change the background to my blog.

The title of the background was "Little Miss Sunshine."

I found it appropriate and too funny!

:)

Exhausted & Positive...

Ok, I was just going to post about how exhausted I am mentally...then realized that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

The other day I was talking to someone who said depression isn't you crying all the time, it's when you don't want to get out of bed. That's where I'm at. But I just need to remind myself every morning to get my ass up!!

So instead of just posting something negative, I will post about something positive too!

Money.

Normally, money is no where near positive in my house but it is right now...or at least I am trying to make it positive.

First, on Friday my husband is going to write me a check and that is the start of us being separated financially. Woo-hoo!! I will have my own account for the first time in 7 years!! I will be in control and this is a huge step for me.

Secondly, I looked over my bills and realized that saving for the summer isn't going to be as traumatic as I thought it was going to be!! I work in a school district where I only get paid 10 out of 12 months a year, so I need two months of savings. It is going to be REALLY close/tight but I think I can make enough changes in my bills to make it through!!!

I would be over the moon if I didn't have to work this summer and I could stay home with Buddy!!! I stayed home with him last year and LOVED every minute of it!!!!!

So we shall see but at least I have a more positive outlook on the situation.

Motivation...

I need motivation.

I personally think that, in spite of everything, I have an AMAZINGLY positive attitude on life (if I do say so myself) but I lack motivation.

Now normally I just procrastinate on items at work and at home but at least I am motivated or trying to improve my teaching (work)...however, I am just NOT motivated to do anything at work!!

Hell, I feel like I am barely holding it together at home and am proud of myself for getting out of bed every morning. So, honestly work has fallen through the cracks. It also doesn't help that people I work "WITH" think I am beneath them.

But enough is enough! I am going to work tomorrow and I am going to fake it until I believe it.

I am going to pretend to be motivated and happy until I actually mean it.

Oh but where do I start? ;)

It's Happening...

OK--I don't know where to begin.

First, I had a great time last night with my friends. I drank, I danced, and I had a ton of fun! Thank God for my brother-in-law and sister for driving me and letting me stay at their house. :)

Secondly, yesterday was the worst. My husband and I went to our marriage counseling appointment and before we even got started we weren't getting along. He was pissed and annoyed with me and he made sure I knew about it.

I thought our session was successful by the end. We had a plan and our therapist was very clear that we needed some decompression time. Too bad my husband didn't hear her because he just kept pushing.

Anyways, here is the bottom line.

He is moving out. I was honest and told him that I didn't know if I wanted to be married or not. He said that he thought in his heart that we were headed for divorce, I responded probably.

He is going to live in an Extended Stay for the next month while trying to find a place to rent. By the way, all he talked about today were the things he needs and what he wanted to take from our house when he moves. Fine.

We haven't talked anymore about divorce other than neither of us is in any kind of hurry. So, we will be just separated for who knows how long. I need to get through this before I can think about that.

Lastly, we have financial problems. Obviously, us paying rent for two places will be a strain. I finally told him I needed to see everything in writing and after doing so even he was starting to see a light...except I still have seen anything in writing. I will get through this too!

It's all happening...

This Week Sucks...

This week has sucked for a number of reasons.

First, I have been stuck in an office for 3 freaking days!!! I know some people spend their entire day (everyday) in an office but not me. Really, how do people motivate themselves when all they do is sit on their ass all day?

Secondly, my husband has been home ALL week. I don't think I need to say more. However, I am going out tomorrow night...drinking and dancing with friends and NOT him!!!

Third, I am sitting here trying to write my blog and the phone rings. It's my friend who LOVES to just talk on the phone and be in everyone's business. Really? Go talk to your husband, I don't want to talk to you about work at 8:30 at night. I don't like what I have been doing for the last 3 days and you are the last person I want to discuss it with. So what ends up happening is I say something she doesn't care for and/or agree with so she quickly changes the subject.

My point to this entire post is simple. This week has sucked!!! I am ready for it to be over but too bad so sad for me it's not over. Tomorrow I have to sit in the office again with more people who freaking annoy me and then to put the cherry on top of it all....I get to go to marriage counseling in the afternoon! Fuck.

The only light at the end of the tunnel is tomorrow night I will be drinking and dancing!!!

Emotions...

I love the emotions of a toddler!! Seriously, he is crying at least once a day for reasons I just don't understand. It is too cute!!!

I love that he cries because he wants to see his grandma, see his sister, when Pluto can't find Mickey, when Pluto is sad, someone on Special Agent Oso needs help, etc.

It is fun to see him start to learn different emotions and how he is trying to navigate dealing with them.

What I am not enjoying is how my husband is yelling at Buddy to stop crying.

Tonight for example, Buddy was exhausted!! He spent all day at his grandma's house and took NO nap. On the way home we stopped at one of my favorites, Chick-fil-A for dinner. We had a great time and I ran into an old high school friend, it was nice to see her.

The point is when we got home Buddy was even more tired than when we picked him up from grandma's. So now my husband starts YELLING at him because Buddy won't stop crying!!

"If you don't knock that shit off, I am going to bust your ass."

"That's it! I am not going to put up with this bullshit." Then starts taking him in the other room to spank him.

That's when I said enough.

My husband has always said to my stepdaughter and son that he was going to "bust ass" its like his way of telling them he means business. I have never like it but I figure to pick your battles, right? No, I am done and don't appreciate it.

Buddy is going to be three in two months and doesn't need to be talked to that way! He is not one of your construction workers on the job site.

So knock that fucking shit off!! Alright! LOL--sorry trying to make a joke!

I Don't Know...

I don't even know where to begin since the last time I blogged.

It's kind of scary that I am emotionless lately about everything going on in my marriage. I am not upset, mad, sad...

I think I am just ready for the next step.

My husband made a reservation to go to an Extended Stay hotel for a couple of months. In the hopes that in that time we can find a new place to start at in our relationship.

I asked for the space and believe that this is the best thing for Buddy and myself. My husband believes that if we can't work things out within the next couple of months then we are wasting our time.

I agree with him. However, since he says it should only take a couple of months that is our wedding anniversary and son's birthday...end of March. Nice huh?!

In the meantime it feels good to create this new person I want to become. A more independent person.

I got my new ATM/Visa card and new checks. Now I just need MONEY in the account.

I am looking forward to living alone...well as alone as one can be with an almost 3 year old. I can't believe he is going to be 3!! Wow time flies.

I am looking forward to life.

A Baby & a Wedding Ring...

My husband has been home for two nights. Last night we talked about how he found a place to stay for a couple of months while we try to sort through and find a new start to our relationship...all good right? This is what I want, no question about it.

TONIGHT however he talked about the two things that don't reflect at all where we are in our relationship at the moment...he it goes.

We went to dinner with family tonight because I have relatives in town visiting. I love seeing them!!!

Anyways, my sister has two small children (2 year old and an 8 month old) whom Buddy just loves to pieces. He especially loves his baby girl cousin (8 months). In fact, he can be very protective of her.

On the way home my husband tells me that now Buddy is older he wouldn't mind having another child because Buddy would be such a great big brother. He then proceeded to remind me how I didn't want more children.

Are you kidding me? I talked to you about this 2 years ago and you said you were too old and would never want more!!! I then let go of the idea for several reasons...

1. You travel and I didn't want to be a single working mother to two kids. Even when you are home you don't help!
2. You are old...sorry.
3. You were completely adamant that you were done and I was trying to be a supportive wife and be happy with the life I have.

But more importantly is this the time to talk to me about kids? NO!!!!!!!

I don't even know what else to say about this. If any of my friends or family knew we had this conversation they would laugh their ass off!!! (Even my friends who know nothing about our separation.)

My second thing that he keeps talking about that annoys me is my wedding ring!

I'll be honest I have gained 20 pounds and my ring fits but is REALLY tight. So, I don't wear it. This bothers him completely.

Now he wants to go this weekend and get it resized.

Ugh. It never ends!! And I don't even want to say what is happening tomorrow...

New Resolutions...

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to lose the 20 pounds I've gained while stuffing my face...time to start working on it!!

My BFF and I joined SparkPeople to help us reach our goals. I needed something new to get me inspired, Weight Watchers just wasn't cutting it anymore!

While I am in the process of learning to eat right, AGAIN!! We came up with a new way to shake up our exercise plan...

The idea is to create a number of different goals and each week pull an exercise goal from a hat. This way we will be shaking up our exercise routine!

Now we just have to come up with all of the different exercise ideas. Remember each plan is for an entire week. Here goes nothing...

1. Run 10 mi
2. Create different running routes
3. Walk 70,000 steps
4. Run 15 mi
5. 350 sit-ups
6. Go hiking (on a Saturday or Sunday)
7. 700 sit-ups

I need many more but I am totally excited!!!

Thank You Therapist...

Today my husband and I had another marriage counseling appointment. At first I thought I wasn't going to have anything to say.

The nice thing about therapists...they pull it out of you!! :) That and my husband's comments make me want to scream!!!

However, there is nothing new to report on with his comments. Same old shit different day!

But really, don't ask me if we are still going to separate or not! I've already told you my answer and nothing has changed.

Well at least someone hears/understands me, too bad it's not my husband!! Thank you to our therapist for reiterating to my husband how I feel and what I want.

Too bad I went to the appointment in a good mood and got home irritated! This month couldn't go by faster.

Back to Reality...

I have to get back to reality in a couple of ways...

First, my husband just got home a couple of hours ago, ugh. Will he ever stop talking? I am listening to him tell this stupid story for 10 minutes and I want to ask, "What is the point again?" But instead I just count in my head. By the way the story had nothing to do with anyone or anything I know or care about.

Now that he is home I just feel claustrophobic. Every where I look he is there and TALKING! He keeps saying how much he loves us and missed us...

I am sorry, I can't say the same thing to you.

And why in the middle of all of this does he bring up sex? I am in my pj's getting Buddy's stuff ready for tomorrow and all of a sudden he starts talking about how sexy I look.

Really??? I am in a t-shirt and flannel pants?! I don't want or need you to comment on my boobs. Or especially talk to Buddy about how he is the only one to touch Mommy's boobs!!! (Buddy was patting them and I was trying to teach him how he needs to keep his hands to himself, boys!)

Either way, I still want you to move out. Being gone for a couple of days doesn't fix anything for me. And I especially am NOT thinking about sex!!!!! Sorry.

Back to reality. The other reason why I have to face reality, because I have to go back to work tomorrow. At least I get to see my BFF.

Buddy and I have had such a great two weeks off together. I am looking forward to the summer.

I love you Buddy!!

Today was awesome!!

So...I just added a new post to the blog and realized that I started two blog posts, in a row, with the same sentence. TODAY WAS AWESOME!

In case you were wondering..

1. That annoys me on a couple of levels.
2. I have had an AWESOME couple of days!!

Yes, I am certifiably insane. LMAO!

Household Chores...

Today was awesome! Buddy and I slept till 7:30 am and spent the day at home. We were supposed to go to the movies but I passed. These last couple of days have been so busy that I just wanted to stay home with Buddy. Since the weather was so beautiful, we were outside most of the morning. I got a couple of loads of laundry done, cleaned up the kitchen, and more...all with no husband home.

The biggest fight (well one of them) that I have with my husband is about laundry. Seriously, I know laundry!! What the fuck right?

Well, I procrastinate. I am honest and upfront about it. I hate laundry and when I have someone nagging me...well it just makes it worse.

However, today I did all of my laundry and I only have Buddy's to do tomorrow. And let me tell you it will be done before my husband comes home. Yes, to prove a point.