Moving Weekend...

This was the big moving weekend. At first it didn't go as planned but it came together in the end.

First, I love my family. There is nothing better than the love and support of your family. My mom and sister REALLY came through for me this weekend. They helped me in so many ways. In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the weekend is, "Charlie, watch out Mommy is helping Auntie clean-up her life." Haha!!!

Secondly, I accomplished so much in what could have been the crappiest weekend. My mom, sister, and I took all the wallpaper off the walls in my dining room and kitchen. I rearranged furniture after Martin took what he needed for his house. AND I started making this MY home for Buddy and I.

The scariest part of my day was when Buddy was about to walk in the house...thank God I had everyone there because it was a huge distraction. Also, my sister arranged Buddy's stuff in the living room so perfectly that he was more concerned about his stuff than the couch that was missing. Basically, he was fine.

Tomorrow will be interesting. Buddy and I are going over to Martin's new house for dinner. We are trying to get Buddy used to his daddy's new house and the thought was if I went over there a couple of times he would feel safe. So, tomorrow is dinner and then Friday Buddy will spend the night at his daddy's house. Martin is already complaining about how he is planning to pick him up from my mom. Whatever.

It should be an interesting night...I am also interested in what he has bought for his house. :)

I am finally at the point in all of this where it is a new beginning.!!

It is a new beginning.

Power Over Me...

I really HATE how my ex has this power over me to just immediately put me in a bad mood!!! I know it hasn't been that long since we split but he really knows how and when to push my buttons. He's also the best manipulator I know!

I was in the best mood today. I accomplished a ton at work and went for a run during my prep period. But when I get home and call him so he can talk to Buddy it all goes to shit!!!

So two glasses of wine, two cookies, and two handful of M&M's....I feel better...Not really.

And tomorrow I will be pissed at myself for eating the junk food!! It also sucks because tomorrow I don't have time to run or do any exercise.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

The Good vs. The Bad...

Let's start with THE BAD...
-People at my work are starting to be nuts again!! Really, why must others feel the need to speak for other people. However, I am positive that it will all turn out for the best...if WWIII doesn't start first. I'm sorry BFF.

THE GOOD...
-I have been soooo productive lately!!! And it really makes a difference in my personality. I had a look back at my life as a wife this weekend and wow, I was so unhappy. I never realized how much I shut down around my ex (funny saying ex and not husband), I go to bed early...don't talk much...am frustrated over 90% of the time...and more. I don't like the way I feel around him, not motivated and annoyed and the list could go on. AND this is part of THE GOOD! I think it's always good to learn about yourself. I'm learning!!!

-Speaking of productive..this afternoon I finished a project at work, covered someone's after school class, and went for a run all before 4:15!! It was so nice. I need to run more often...it sucks and I HATE it but I feel good after. When I actually do run, it's the only thing that I do COMPLETELY for myself...then at night of course, I have my computer! :)

Happy Monday everyone!!!

I'm Tired...

I know that it has been a LONG time since I last posted, but I'm tired.

I don't even know where to start...and this week is going to be sooo busy!!

Daily Occurence...

Being a single mother isn't ideal or perfect. However, I am finding my new step in life. This includes trying to figure out a balance or solutions to new problems alone.

The hardest part of my day isn't...
-morning routine
-laundry
-cooking
-shuttling Buddy around
-Buddy wanting my constant attention (well sort of)

The HARDEST part of my day is either right before dinner or right after. It's the time in the day when I am trying to cook, which usually includes Buddy helping, or when I am trying to clean-up.

It's the hardest part because that's when Buddy is in his "I not listening to you" mode. Even when he is cooking with me he isn't listening or when I put a cartoon on to entertain him, he is getting in trouble in some form.

Basically, it's at the end of the day and I am tired. I'm tired and there is no one around to keep him entertained and from making bad choices to get my attention.

And usually, it just so happens that that's when my husband calls to chat with me/us. So of course, he starts to make it about him..."Every time I call you are always in a hurry or busy and don't want to talk to me." Hmmm, I'm at home alone with a 3 year old. Get a grip.

I need plan so that every night we (Buddy and I) don't have this same problem. I don't expect it to always work but I need to think of something so I don't feel so frustrated EVERY night!

Any suggestions??? I would appreciate it.

Happy Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentine's Day to ME!!!

Love,
ME

That's right, today was my first Valentine's Day as a single mother. Honestly, it was great (better than expected). I thought I was going to miss HIM but I didn't. It was actually refreshing that I didn't have to pretend to be over the moon in love!

Today I spent time with my #1 Valentine and LOVE of my life...Buddy!!

We had a great day getting stuff done around the house (cleaning), giving the dog a bath, playing games, washing the car, and visiting my grandma. I wouldn't have wanted to spend this Valentine's any other way. Buddy was a big helper. :)

On a serious note, I am just reminded today that I need to be in LOVE with myself before I can give myself to anyone else. I think this is part of my problem. I stopped loving myself and then the same happened with my marriage/HIM.

Not anymore! It's like I need to renew "wedding vows" with MYSELF! I promise never to lose myself again, I promise to genuinely laugh, I promise to love myself forever...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!

My "Friend"...

Before I ever told anyone about my separation I knew that people were going to have their own opinions. I knew that some people might back away, stop talking to me, take sides, etc. I was prepared for all scenarios.

One scenario that I was prepared for was my “friend” to be crazy! She is the type of person who feels it is her life’s mission to SAVE everyone and HELP everyone. Basically, she puts her nose into situations where she shouldn’t. I was prepared for this.

I knew she was going to immediately feel bad for me, try to help me, and most importantly start talking about how life would be like for me as a single mother. In fact, she had started to make comments about my parenting even before Buddy was born because of how often my husband had to travel.

Well I have news for people…I like being alone. I always have! Ever since my husband started traveling I enjoyed the time I had during the week doing whatever I pleased. And all of those feelings are back in full swing. I am starting to feel happy again.

Today my “friend” started talking with others, once I walked out of the room, about how she feels bad for me being a single parent…talking about how she wouldn’t know what to do…AND how she thinks it’s good I only have one kid.

Well, fuck you! Who do you think you are to judge anyone? Aren’t we supposed to be “friends”? Why do you think so little of me? I am a stronger person alone than I was married. I have found my own voice and am just trying to figure out what to do next with my OWN life! I already told you that if I needed anything I would let you know. Just because I haven’t NEEDED you doesn’t give you the right to talk shit or think so little of me. Why do you automatically assume that this isn’t what I wanted? Don’t assume you know what is going on in house!!! And guess what I have been a single parent for almost 3 years!!! He just finally moved out of my house!!!

I know I’m yelling.

I thank you for your concern but now you need to shut up. Just stop. You don’t know what you are talking about and even if you think you are being helpful, you’re not. I know this is your personality but right now you are wrong!! Just stop. Just stop.

I Cried Today...

Today was really difficult and I don't know how to put it into words. Sorry if this post is a jumbled mess!

Basically, I was blindsided. Until today I felt in control and happy to be moving forward and with a snap of my husband's fingers those feelings were lost. Here is how it went...

We had a busy day planned. My husband came over early in the morning to take Buddy and I to Buddy's swim lessons. Then we had already made plans to babysit our friends kids for a couple of hours before he moved out. AND since I hadn't told her yet that he moved we played along for the day for the kids. I didn't feel it was my place to share anything with their kids about our lives. Also, if he left before they did Buddy was going to say something.

BTW, we told Buddy earlier in the week that his daddy had a new house. He took the news like I would assume any two year old...he didn't understand. But at least he has been REALLY good about it.

Anyways, my husband spent too much time with me today. This is partially my fault but he wanted to watch a couple of TV shows and see Buddy. What got me pissed off was the discussion about money.

Money is obviously never a good topic of conversation, especially when you are separated. But fuck he is ridiculous!!!

He made all kinds of comments, accusations, and brought the topic of my parents in the conversation!!

By the time he left I was going to be in tears...I thought if I just talked to my BFF I would be fine before going to dinner at my parent's house.

I was wrong. I took one look at my dad and lost it. The tears just started coming...

Not only were my parents home but my sister was there too! As usual, they were absolutely wonderful and supportive!!! I know that with their love and support Buddy and I will make it through this.

I just hate how he can make me feel so bad about myself. Fuck him!!! And the worst part of everything is tomorrow I have to go to a party to watch the Super Bowl and he will be there.

I can't let anyone know any of my emotions on the subject tomorrow! I am going to be in the best mood possible if not for myself or Buddy but for my sister and her family! I will NOT ruin the relationships I have with others because he is a dick.

I also need to think of another way to refer to him on the blog, "my husband," just isn't working for me at all!!! Any suggestions?

Today...

Today feels like any other day of the week, no different than any other Monday. Except my marriage ended (sort of we just separated) and my husband moved out.

I know sad, right?

It just feels as if he went on a business trip and he'll be home soon. In fact, we will be seeing him on Wednesday.

It did feel a bit strange tonight when Buddy and I sat at the kitchen table to eat dinner. I looked at the empty chair where my husband usually sits and thought about how it's going to be empty more often than not.

At some point this will all come crashing down, I just don't know when.