Independence...

Today was awesome! First, I spent the day with my BFF shopping, talking, and having lunch. Who doesn't love a girl day with no kids?!

Next, I headed to the bank to set up my saving/checking accounts. This may seem ridiculous to get excited about but coming from someone who hasn't had any control over her own money or bills this is freedom!

Recently, my husband and I decided to split the bills and even as unfair as the asshole is, I am excited. I want control of my own life and this is the first step.

What a nice way to start the new year!! Right?!

Although, I must be honest. I took with me the necessary paperwork to have direct deposit changed to the new account. When I was done filling it all out and had the bank write their information, the man asked me if I wanted him to turn in the paperwork...I chickened out.

I don't know why?! My husband is going to be pissed off anyways. He isn't sure when he wants to start splitting the bills and I want to tell him....because you fucked it all up!!

No worries, I can turn it into my district office on Monday when I go back to work. He can just be pissed off at me in person instead of from another state. LMAO!!

New Year's Resolutions...

I started thinking about the year 2010 and what I want it to look like. I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions but I figured I was at a point in my life when I should start thinking about the future. This is what I have come up with... **Not in any particular order**


I want Buddy to be happy and healthy…what mother doesn’t want this!

Be independent (married or not).

As for my career, I want to focus on my classroom curriculum and specific strategies that I can use with my students.

Lose the 20 pounds I have gained from stuffing my face.

Organize the closets in my house and clean out my garage.

Read more adult books NOT children fiction books.

Continue to learn how to cook.

Find Buddy a preschool.

Make Buddy laugh as often as I can.

Do something spontaneous with family, friends, or just Buddy.

Take Buddy to Sea World.

Be honest with family and friends about my feelings.

Learn to ask for help when I need it.

Drink more water.

Walk the dog more.

Teach Buddy to ride a bike.

Transition Buddy to sleeping in his own bed every night…it’s my fault, I created a monster.

Work through my financial problems. Oh how I have problems!!!!

Go to Happy Hour with my friends!




This is a long list; I have BIG ambitions for 2010!!

Happiness...

My husband and I had a rather unusual marriage counseling appointment yesterday.

He went into the session with guns blazing and left hating our therapist. HAHA!! As soon as we walked out of the door he said, "I don't like her and I want to find someone else."

My response, "Go ahead find someone. I have looked all over and I like her." A couple of minutes later he was fine.

What I found to be so wonderful was that the therapist validated both our feelings. I like that no matter how much it bothers me when she agrees with him, she agrees and understands me just as well. Exactly what a person should do when they aren't in the relationship.

But the best part was when she saw us in an actual interaction when it came to scheduling our next appointment. How I wish I had a video camera!!! You can't truly understand my husband unless you see him in action. My words don't do it justice.

Anyways, about happiness. My husband is constantly reminding me that happiness is a state of mind. Well let me tell you...

I took you to the airport at 4:30 am this morning (with Buddy) and when I got home we both went back to sleep...this is happiness.

I just spent the entire day running errands, meeting friends, changing bedsheets, etc. all with Buddy...this is happiness.

Tomorrow I am going to meet my best friend for a day of shopping, movie, etc....this is happiness.

Are we getting the picture? All of my happiest times are when you aren't around.

So as I am finishing this blog post Buddy is screaming my name because he is done with his nap...this is happiness.

Merry Christmas...

Christmas was so wonderful!!! On Christmas Eve my entire family came over for dinner and presents. I couldn't have been happier that my sister and brother-in-law decided to come over. Buddy had such a great time with his cousins.

Christmas day was relaxed. We had breakfast at a friend's house and then spent the rest of the day at home playing with all the new toys Buddy got. By the way, why do manufacturers have to wire each piece of toy to the cardboard box? HAHA

The next day the husband and I took Buddy up to Mountain High to go TUBING! Oh my did we have so much fun!!!! Buddy loved it and wanted to go faster. Once we were done we went to lunch and came home.

If I do say so myself, we have had quite the holiday! Too much fun!!

In the mist of all the fun, I thought that the husband had misjudged the future. However, today when I got home from the mall we had another conversation about it. We talked about separation, money, bills, belongings, etc. and it was good. He asked if I was still leaning towards a separation, and I said yes. He doesn't understand but I still feel that this is for the best, for me and eventually for Buddy.

Anyways, I think he found an Extended Stay in a near by city that he is going to stay at for a couple of months. This way he doesn't have to take or buy anything for an apartment or take belongings from our house and it gives a little less disruption for Buddy. He will come to our house to see Buddy and I. We can set a schedule. He doesn't want to rent an apartment or get stuck in a lease until we (or I) decide it is permanent and heading towards divorce.

I also told him that I feel good about where we are at the moment, friends. But that is not a marriage. He reminded me that he doesn't want to be friends but to be married. I know he wants sex and to be intimate but I reminded him that I am not in that place right now. He at least admitted that if we can't be intimate then we shouldn't be married.

Ups and downs, ups and downs...Ugh. I hate the feeling that I am doing this to my son...changing his world forever. But I was reminded today that every decision I make is for Buddy. Guilt is just so ugly.

Quiet Time...

Awwwww, quiet. My husband just took Buddy out to run a couple of errands and that means I am left alone for at least a couple of hours. Nice. I love having peace and quiet time to myself and it happens so rarely. So I thought I would update the blog...

I am so excited for today. I have plans to meet my friend and her kiddos at the park, my husband and I have our marriage counseling appointment(not that much fun but...), and I am going out with the girls!!!! That is right, I have having a GNO. I don't remember when the last time I went out with the ladies. My husband isn't all to pleased but he won't come right out and say it. He just keeps acting like a dad, "Remember more people go to jail this week for drunk driving than any other."

I looked right at him and asked "Really, do you think I am that stupid?" I not going to be a drunk driver (I just got over the flu!) and I not going to ruin Christmas Eve with a hangover. I am seriously looking forward to having my family all over for Christmas Eve dinner, I wouldn't do anything to harm that. I am hoping this is the best Christmas ever!! Speaking of which, I need to go finish wrapping presents. :)

So everyone out there...I hope you find some quiet time today!

Friendship...

Since my husband and I went to our marriage counseling appointment things have been good. We have been really busy and I think that has kept us in a good place. Again tonight we talked about separating and how he already planned how we could separate the bills...if I wanted to continue with the separation.

I don't know where I stand on the matter but married or not we have found a new friendship. This weekend has really been good for us. In fact, he was nice to people which he is never nice to at a party. I feel like we have been more of a team now than we have been for the longest time. I don't want to lose that. I feel like if I do give our marriage ANOTHER chance we are going to end up in the same place 6 months down the road. And how do you find the friendship again? And Buddy will be older, he will understand more. Ugh. I hate decisions.

As much as I hate decisions, I know in my heart where I stand...

Marriage Counseling Appointment...

I thought I would give an update on how the marriage counseling appointment went. First of all, I liked our therapist. She was really nice and straight to the point. I liked how she kept us owning our own feelings and not blaming others. I especially liked how she was trying to teach us how to communicate with one another. She gave sentence starters and as a teacher I thought that was funny. The main issue that we have in our marriage (which she identified immediately) is boundary issues. My husband says exactly what is on his mind with no regard to others feelings, where as I take things personally and don’t share my emotions, which in turns build a "wall". Yes, you are right. I just don’t know how this "wall" is going to come down or if it is ever going to come down. One thing she told Rex was that he could try all he wanted but it is on me NOT him if “my wall” doesn’t come down. I liked that I think that will give him some peace.

I thought that our first appointment was successful. I am looking forward to our appointment next week. HOWEVER, the best part about all of this was us talking because after our appointment we developed a plan. He is going to travel after Christmas and at the beginning of the New Year. In the middle of January if I still feel we need more space then he can start finding a place to live. I like this plan because right now I feel like we are in limbo and this gives us path. We can either work out our differences and stayed married or separate.

Who knows what the future will bring? I know that we are going to have some rough times ahead of us. But I don’t hate my husband and I would like to keep it that way.

Nerves...

To say I am nervous is an understatement. Today my husband and I are going to our first marriage counseling appointment. I have no clue how this is going to go or what I am going to say. All I know is that I am ready. My goal is to be as honest and forthcoming with him as I am with my family and friend. On a side note, I am not happy with the fact that we are driving together to the appointment. How am I supposed to calm down or call and vent to my family or friend if he is in the car afterward? It’s going to be like an extended amount of therapy time. This gives me no time for my own thoughts because let me tell you, my husband doesn’t ever shut up! We’ll see…stay tuned!

Vacation ASAP...

I need to get away...I want to go to a hotel, have room service, sleep in a warm/dark room until I feel like getting up, drink champagne, and have a full spa treatment. Do you think this would change my mood? I am soooo depressed I don't know how to get out of it. I don't want to leave Buddy but he knows something is wrong with me because he is acting out just like he did last weekend! No nap, whining, and crawling all over me and I have NO patience. Especially when I have to listen to my husband get upset because a two year old doesn't play baseball properly, I am sorry Buddy. And how many times does a father feel the need to jump in when a mother is scolding her son. Really I have control!

A vacation is a nice thought but I can't run away from my problems. Just a dream...

My husband should be in the process of finding a place to go but no. This is my fault he really doesn't understand and he thinks things are so much better. Really??? A couple of days with you home isn't going to change anything. I think this is why my mood is so ridiculous. I want it done and I am tired of him talking all about the future, how much he loves me, etc. Really this feeling that I am experiencing right now is worse than the faking I have been doing for a better part of a year. Honestly, I know why...I am done with the marriage. But in the meantime for the sake of myself and Buddy I need to snap out of it!!! But how?

In a funk...

I am in a funk!!! I feel so blah and I just don't know how to break out of it. Ugh...I need fun, a make-over, and to lose weight!!! I am tired of feeling so down all the time. I am just tired and have to fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning. Now normally this time of the year is usually difficult for me at work and with everything going on in my personal life is just making everything worse. How does one get out of a funk?

Christmas...

This Christmas Eve is going to be different, my sister informed me that her family won't be able to come to our house for Christmas Eve. Their reason is valid, she doesn't want to be around my husband knowing that we are having issues. She doesn't want to be fake...HAHA!! Well, I am the president of the Faking Club. Did she want to join? I've got news for her...my husband is going to be around FOREVER whether or not I am married to him. He is Buddy's father and that is not going to change.

This whole situation sucks. However, having control of my life again is so exciting. Yes, I am still in a crappy situation but I hold all the cards (at least right now). I know life is not going to be the same ever again! I won't let it because I am going to be the one to make decisions for my life with no more compromise!!!

Guilt...

I was prepared for guilt; guilt from my husband, my son (not intentionally, he’s two), and guilt that I would place on myself. My husband is in fact one of the best manipulators that I know, and now he is getting really good at making me feel guilty. I don’t know if he is intentionally trying to make me feel guilty but either way, ugh. Last night was his first night home since Friday (gone 4 nights) and all he talked about was how our marriage is going to work. How if we both want it to work, it will. We both want it right??? “I just can’t imagine not waking up and seeing Buddy, how am I going to afford to live in CA…I’ll have to move and then Buddy won’t see his daddy, etc.” GUILT, GUILT, GUILT… Notice he didn’t even once mention about moving out again, like I asked him to.

Honestly, I don’t know how this marriage is going to work out. On top of being unhappy I just don’t know how I am ever going to be attracted to my husband again. I have been sooo unhappy for sooo long and it isn’t just going to go away. He even suggested we stay married (even without sex) for the sake of our son. NO! However, I want to try to make this work for my son…notice I don’t say for MYSELF…I want to give him that perfect family life. But really who am I kidding, perfect is when I am happy with my son. In return he will be happy. Right?

I feel like I am rambling but that is how my emotions are feeling right now, a huge messy pile of shit. I just hope that once we finally go see a marriage counselor next week things will get started. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Right now my husband and I are acting like friends again, I know I am dreaming, and I just want that to last for the sake of my son.

Marriage Counselor...

Does anyone have a good marriage counselor they can recommend in the LA/Long Beach area? Or know how to find one? I am in the process...didn't think it hurt to put it out there. Thanks.

A Good Day...

Today was a good day...it started off rocky because I honestly just didn't want to get out of bed, but I am glad I did. It was good for me to think about other things besides the separation (or lack there of) and to be around my BFF (I am lucky enough to work with her). But the best part about today was actually tonight...Buddy and I made dinner together. It actually turned out really yummy and he was a big help!! We made pork chops, zucchini, squash and couscous. And to top it off had dessert (bananas, chocolate, marshmallows, and gram crackers). I love nights like this. And let me tell you I needed it!!! It was a good reminder that I can be a single mom (someday) and be HAPPY. I am the happiest when I am with my son and we are just enjoying each other. Yes, Buddy has some moments of tantrums and whining but I just need to remind myself that he is 2 (almost 3 in March).

So, today was a good day!! The rest of the bullshit will have to wait until tomorrow...night, night!

Frustrated...

I am frustrated! I know I need to get over it, but I just wanted a relaxing weekend...only I feel that I have gotten moments of peace.

My husband--he is gone on a business trip. Fine, that is great! I want a separation and this was going to give me sometime to relax and enjoy Buddy. NOOOO, he just keeps calling and wants to be all sweet and mushy. If you knew my husband at all you would understand why this is not helpful. Being nice overnight doesn't make anything better.

I wanted to be able to use this time to figure out what is the next step. I want him to move out of the house while we try to work on our relationship. I was hoping to find a marriage counselor that we could go to. With my husband living at home I know all it would do would suffocate me more. I think his best chance is to give me space, which obviously he doesn't understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I want to be able to look at Buddy when he is 20 and know deep within my heart that I did EVERYTHING I could to save my marriage. But in reality I am done.

Lastly, I am frustrated with Buddy. I know he is only 2 1/2 years old but he is not listening (even more than usual). With my lack of sleep, mixed emotions, and frustration towards my husband...it is just making me even more agitated. Last night he was so tired that he cried for about an hour because nothing was making him happy. I feel for him!

The Beginning...

I am new to the blog world and am looking forward to this journey. Reading other blogs have helped me to see that writing a blog is going to be very therapeutic for me. However, I don't know how or where to start, so here goes nothing...

I am having a difficult time in my life right now and needed a place where I could vent my honest and RAW EMOTIONS about MY LIFE. I am a 31 year old who is unhappy in her marriage, loves her son, and is looking forward to the future no matter what it brings...I have HOPE!!

Let me start with the best thing in my life...my son Buddy. He is an out going almost 3 year old who loves everything sports. I love him more than anything...even when he is whining!! As a mother I couldn't be prouder. I love waking up every morning to a new day with him.

The damper in this story is my marriage of almost 6 years. For the last year, I have been unhappy. Now normally if something in my life is wrong, I take it upon myself to try to fix it. I am a fixer. I don't like confrontation or hurting anyone's feelings so I keep it all to myself. Therefore, this is why it has taken me a year (more if I am really honest) to be able to tell my husband that I am UNHAPPY. To even say that I am unhappy aloud is a huge step for me. I am beyond tired of the fighting, yelling, screaming, hurtful words, pretending, etc. I don't feel that we have respect for each other or have anything in common anymore (besides our son). Two days ago, I told him I wanted a separation. It was a complete shock to his system and of course he started to manipulate the situation. And now I think he is living in la la land. I am not trying to be the home-wrecker everyone will make me out to be. I am trying to make ME happier. I feel with all of my being that no child should be raised in an unhappy home. If I am a happier and confident person, I know that I will be a better mother to Buddy.

This blog will be the place where I can share my feelings, thoughts, and RAW EMOTIONS of everything going on in my life. Sometimes you will like what I have to say, other times not. Hell you may not like the language I might be using because I promise that there will be words such as FUCK, ASS, SHIT, etc. or even the topic I will be writing about. Take it for what it is worth because these are still my RAW EMOTIONS and I own them.