It's My Life

Just in a Funk...

2010-07-06T18:32:00.001-07:00

Ugh...I hate being in a funk!!!!

I seriously need to snap out of it. Oh but how?!

For those Single Moms with BOYS...

2010-06-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have a question for single moms with boys...

When do you start sheltering the BOYS from seeing you naked? Using the restroom? Running in the bathroom when you are showering?

The reason why I am asking is because my 3 year old is with me 85% of the time and it's rather difficult to keep him away from me. To top it off he is that child from the movie Kindergarten Cop who says...

"Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina."

My family says that it's time for him to not see me naked or use the restroom, but what do I do at Disneyland when I need to use the restroom??? Leave him outside the stall? He is only 3!

I hope someone finds this blog because I would love to know what other moms are doing...

June 26

2010-06-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

Well, let me start by saying that on Friday, June 25th we had our first bay day of the summer!!

I LOVE the bay!!!! It's a great place to take the kids, let them run around, and get crazy dirty. AND since there are no waves...I get to lounge in my beach chair and watch Buddy sitting on my ass. How many places can a mom go and watch their kid while sitting?! Best part about the day is how tired he is when I leave! :) Makes for a quiet car ride home.f Also it costs next to nothing to take a kid their, I say next to nothing because I pack lunch. A kid has to eat right?! Hehe...

On this particular bay day we actually had a couple of older kiddos that I was babysitting! Loved it...makes me realize why someone would have more than one child. They entertain each other. :)

Today, was relaxing! Since it was Saturday that means that Buddy was with his dad and I got shit done! I took the dog to get groomed, went and bought a baby present, had breakfast with my mom, and watched a movie! Whew...

And getting so much done in the day didn't come without a price, I was late picking up Buddy and Martin (my ex) wasn't all too pleased. But seriously?! I said I was sorry, didn't lie, and he got over it (not without giving me an earful first).

But really?! An earful?! He complains ALL THE TIME about how he misses Buddy and wants to see him, do stuff with him, etc. BUT when he has him all he does is COMPLAIN. I just want to scream, "Make up your fucking mind!!!! Do you want to see your kid or not? Either way STOP bitching about it!" Ugh.

However, to end a fabulous morning/afternoon I went to my sisters so Buddy could play with his cousins! We of course sat on her patio and drank wine.

Another great day in the summer books!

June 24

2010-06-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today was ANOTHER great day!

It all started with Buddy and I sleeping till 8am...you heard me 8am!!!! This is a huge luxury in this house.

We really didn't do much...

After sleeping in, we just lazed around the house. I was in my room and he was in the rest of the house. It was kind of nice.

Around lunch time we went to my sisters house to play with cousins. We spent the entire afternoon at their house.

I just gotta say, I LOVE my family!!!

June 22 & 23

2010-06-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

OMG...These past couple of days were amazing!!! I decided that Buddy and I needed to start a new tradition, the first week of summer we were going to take a mini-vacation (I think I talked about this in my last post).

What a success this trip was!!! We went to Welk Resorts in Escondido and had a blast!!

We started yesterday off by driving to La Jolla to see the seals at La Jolla Children's Pool and then ended up at the resort. At the resort all we did was swim and play in the splash area. Totally kid friendly! I loved that the room had a kitchen in it, I was prepared for that and saved money by bringing our own food. We only ate out once!

I know we only stayed at the hotel for one night...but as a single mom...this was quite the adventure! I chose a place I had NEVER been before, left all our family and friends... and we had a blast. No one was telling me what I needed to do or what Buddy needed to do, it was great!

I'll post a picture tomorrow...too tired to dig out the camera tonight.

UPDATE: I posted a picture of me sitting watching Buddy playing! A single mama relaxing!!! Hehe

June 21

2010-06-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

First day of summer was a success...and the day's not even over yet!!!

Today we went to Target, I needed to stock up on a couple of things...dangerous store! Then we went to the park for a picnic and play date with the cousins.

Now it's time for a nap THEN T-Ball Skills class! Love it!!

AND let's end the day with my sister and her kiddos over for dinner!

I couldn't have asked for a better start to the summer!!!

Tomorrow we head out to Escondido to spend the night at a resort! I thought it would be a good idea to start a new tradition...the plan is to always go somewhere for the night on the first week of summer vacation! This year it's one night, maybe next year I can afford more. I just think that no matter what's going on in my life Buddy and I will take a mini-vacation together!

Awww Finally...

2010-06-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

OK--I know how long it's been since I posted anything, sorry. It's been a crazy couple of months with work and getting adjusted to single motherhood.

Here's an update:

1. I am happy. I love my life, family, and friends. I have come to a good place in life, I still have moments where Martin drives me fucking nuts but I am working on it.

2. It's SUMMER TIME!!! Yup, you read correctly...summer time means I am off of work till after Labor Day! Woohoo!!!! Gotta love being a teacher. :)

And that is it...not too exciting!

3. Well, I lied...I have actually started this flirtatious romance with my ex. THE ex who I loved once. This is going to be either really bad or good. I haven't been able to figure it out yet. But in the meantime, I am enjoying a flirtatious romance (no sex) and good company every now and then. Keep it simple and light. I don't need or want a new relationship right now.

Anyways, today starts a new series for me on this blog. The SUMMER TIME series...I want to post for the next two and a half months the life of a single mom enjoying her summer off.

I know kind of selfish of me, especially since there are hard working single mothers who don't get the luxury of having the summer off with their child.

My goal is to have as much fun for the least amount of money as I can, as a mom and an adult!

So stay tuned!!

Graduation...

2010-04-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your ex-husband tells you that there aren't enough tickets for you to go to your step-daughter's high school graduation?

Cry.

That's what I did, cry. In fact, I went through all the stages of feeling hurt; crying, annoyed, and anger.

I know deep down that she isn't purposely not giving me a ticket, but it completely hurt my feelings. Someone tried to tell me to NOT let it hurt my feelings...really?! No, it does hurt my feelings and that's ok. I am never going to let my step-daughter know how much she crushed me but she is going to know that I am disappointed. I am not going to make her feel worse than I know she already does. However, she is clueless and should understand to some extent...

Lastly, just because I am sitting here crying for an hour about this doesn't mean I need to go to therapy!!!!!!!!!

It's been a beyond long day. A coworker of mine has cancer and another friend was admitted to the hospital...then you add this to the top!

Life is what you make of it but it's too damn short! I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

It's My Life...

2010-04-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

I am sure that most people when they start a blog think long and hard about the layout, title, WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO WRITE ABOUT, etc.

Not me! This blog has been and is more like an online journal than anything else for me. It's been a place where I have been able to vent all of my fears, emotions, faults, etc. Hell, I don't even think people read it and I'm ok with that.

So, that's why I decided to change the name and description up a bit! And who knows maybe I change it again tomorrow... Yes, my emotions are still raw but there not ripe...if you know what I mean. I'm still a 30 something year old mom whose marriage didn't work but I'm trying to be a happy 30 something year old SINGLE mom.

Let's just say I'm searching for inner peace and happiness. Anyone know where I can find that??? I'm on the hunt.

Beautiful Day...

2010-04-01T20:29:00.001-07:00

Today was a beautiful day.

I took a yoga class, went to a movie, did a little shopping, and went to see a beautiful baby girl who was just born today!!!

I say today was a total success!!! After a day like this I am ready for summer...forget Spring Break! I want a whole two months off...I know selfish. :)

I just want to get in a routine of being happy with myself and I struggle each and everyday with this. I have to remind myself to stay focused but sometimes you just get distracted with stupid shit.

I don't want to be distracted anymore! I want to be happy...not miserable, grumpy, angry, frustrated, etc.

So, as my fabulous day was taking place I vowed that today be the start of something different! I want to care more about how I look, I want to be happy with the small things, and I want to let go of the crap which I have surrounded myself with.

I know I can do this! But as anyone knows it takes time for change to actually happen. It takes time, patience, and practice for things to change.

Change is Here...

2010-03-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh...my busy month is done! I can't even begin to tell you how busy this month was for me and its DONE!!!

I feel like 10 pounds has been lifted off my shoulders.

I don't have to put up with bull shit from work, the drama fundraiser is over, and Buddy's birthday party is done. If only you could see the smile on my face!

However, change is here. I don't have painting to keep myself busy every weekend...I don't have crazy work meetings...Its just me and this new life!

I know Martin moved out a couple of months ago but it's been crazy busy! Now things are going to slow down and I can focus on having a relationship with myself. I am completely excited!!!

If you haven't come across a blog called Mely Speaks, then you are missing out! She just started a challenge called, The Fabulously Single Project, and each week she is going to give out challenges and just talk about how the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Check out her blog...you won't regret it!!

http://melyspeaks.com/

This is where I am getting some much needed inspiration!!

100,001 Reasons...

2010-03-24T21:32:00.001-07:00

I know this doesn't mean anything to anyone but me...

However, I have reached number 100,001 reason why I am happy with the decisions I have made with my relationships at home AND at work.

Really fuckers?! I do have an opinion!!!!! My opinion matters!!!!! I just think you don't want to hear what my logical brain has to say to you!

Have fun on your fucking high horse, I am DONE!!!

It's Been Too Long...

2010-03-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been long since I last posted!!!

Life has been crazy and so exciting. I don't even know where to begin.

First, my house. My sister and mom have been helping me to vamp up the house. We have been painting, decorating, and moving furniture on the weekends and some weeknights for almost a month now. But I am so excited to say that its done!! Now I have purchased a couple of decorative items but it is a work in progress. However, thank God for my family. They have been amazing!

Secondly, I love what life lessons I have been learning through my separation. Here are a couple of the lessons learned...

-I'm an independent woman. I can get shit done and if I need help I'll ask for it!

-My son is amazing. He'll be 3 next week!

-Good friends will not judge you, they'll just be there to listen and help if you need it. But if you really take a step back and look at the friendships you have, you'll see which ones matter most and which ones are fake. I am focusing on the friendships that matter.

-Everyone has problems and to them its just as big as yours. No need to compare...although it's REALLY difficult not to. (I'm still working on this)

-Work is work. For me I am realizing that right NOW, it's just work. Someday I hope to have more of my aspirations back but for now, work is just a small piece of my puzzle.

-Family is what's important.

-Let the small stuff go.

It's just wonderful to be able to say that I am happy. I couldn't say that two months ago or do I remember the last time I felt this way. I know it sounds cheesy but that's how I feel.

Mommy I Need You..

2010-03-07T20:37:00.001-08:00

"Mommy I need you," was the statement of the day.

To start with in the middle of the night Buddy woke up crying and screaming, "I want my mommy!" I took him to use the bathroom and then just had to hold him tight for him to realize that I was in fact THERE. After he stopped crying I just took him to bed with me because I felt bad. Did he think he was at his dad's house? Or was it a fluke accident? I don't know.

But then today, he kept it up. By constantly asking me to hold him or saying, "Mommy I need you." Hell, I wouldn't have even walk out of the room for 10 seconds and he would ask, "Where's my mommy? Where did she go? I don't see her."

Where is my independent little man?

I love that he needs me, but I start to question his motives on this day. Was he worried that I was going to leave? Did he ask for me at his dad's house and since I wasn't there was worried? Are his reactions due to staying at his dad's house for the first time? Our separation? Is this the start of different behavior after staying at his dad's house? The thoughts are endless.

I don't know. All I know is that I am here for my son, no matter what!! He is my world and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't know this.

I love you Buddy!!

Making the Home ALL Mine...

2010-03-06T21:01:00.001-08:00

It's been one whole week since Martin moved out...ahhh.

What a BUSY week!!! OMG, I thought it would never end and now the weekend is going way too fast!!!

Last night was the first time Buddy stayed the night at his dad's. He was so excited and I was happy to have sometime to myself. I even had a night out with the girls!! It was a bit difficult for me to go to sleep but I got through it. We'll see how it continues..

Anyways, I am totally excited about the projects I have undertaken with my mom and sister. Since Martin moved out, we decided to start fixing the house up and make it completely my own. I rent my grandmother's house, so my kitchen and dining room used to have wallpaper up and it just looked like an old lady's house.

Not anymore!!! Last weekend all the wallpaper came off the walls and today we painted the kitchen! It looks so good and inviting. When my sister and I picked out the color we thought it was going to be a green but those little paint samples don't do anything justice. The color was actually a golden, warm goodness. It's awesome!!

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to put up the new blinds and touch up the edges with paint. Next weekend...move some furniture and start painting the dining room. I'm tired already.

It feels good to make this MY house!!! Martin never let me decorate the way I wanted so I am all excited. Thank God for my sisters help because I am not good at decorating!

My plan is to slowly move through each room, closet, cabinet, etc. through my house!!!

My family is the best!!!!!!!!!

Moving Weekend...

2010-02-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

This was the big moving weekend. At first it didn't go as planned but it came together in the end.

First, I love my family. There is nothing better than the love and support of your family. My mom and sister REALLY came through for me this weekend. They helped me in so many ways. In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the weekend is, "Charlie, watch out Mommy is helping Auntie clean-up her life." Haha!!!

Secondly, I accomplished so much in what could have been the crappiest weekend. My mom, sister, and I took all the wallpaper off the walls in my dining room and kitchen. I rearranged furniture after Martin took what he needed for his house. AND I started making this MY home for Buddy and I.

The scariest part of my day was when Buddy was about to walk in the house...thank God I had everyone there because it was a huge distraction. Also, my sister arranged Buddy's stuff in the living room so perfectly that he was more concerned about his stuff than the couch that was missing. Basically, he was fine.

Tomorrow will be interesting. Buddy and I are going over to Martin's new house for dinner. We are trying to get Buddy used to his daddy's new house and the thought was if I went over there a couple of times he would feel safe. So, tomorrow is dinner and then Friday Buddy will spend the night at his daddy's house. Martin is already complaining about how he is planning to pick him up from my mom. Whatever.

It should be an interesting night...I am also interested in what he has bought for his house. :)

I am finally at the point in all of this where it is a new beginning.!!

It is a new beginning.

Power Over Me...

2010-02-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

I really HATE how my ex has this power over me to just immediately put me in a bad mood!!! I know it hasn't been that long since we split but he really knows how and when to push my buttons. He's also the best manipulator I know!

I was in the best mood today. I accomplished a ton at work and went for a run during my prep period. But when I get home and call him so he can talk to Buddy it all goes to shit!!!

So two glasses of wine, two cookies, and two handful of M&M's....I feel better...Not really.

And tomorrow I will be pissed at myself for eating the junk food!! It also sucks because tomorrow I don't have time to run or do any exercise.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

The Good vs. The Bad...

2010-02-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

Let's start with THE BAD...
-People at my work are starting to be nuts again!! Really, why must others feel the need to speak for other people. However, I am positive that it will all turn out for the best...if WWIII doesn't start first. I'm sorry BFF.

THE GOOD...
-I have been soooo productive lately!!! And it really makes a difference in my personality. I had a look back at my life as a wife this weekend and wow, I was so unhappy. I never realized how much I shut down around my ex (funny saying ex and not husband), I go to bed early...don't talk much...am frustrated over 90% of the time...and more. I don't like the way I feel around him, not motivated and annoyed and the list could go on. AND this is part of THE GOOD! I think it's always good to learn about yourself. I'm learning!!!

-Speaking of productive..this afternoon I finished a project at work, covered someone's after school class, and went for a run all before 4:15!! It was so nice. I need to run more often...it sucks and I HATE it but I feel good after. When I actually do run, it's the only thing that I do COMPLETELY for myself...then at night of course, I have my computer! :)

Happy Monday everyone!!!

I'm Tired...

2010-02-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

I know that it has been a LONG time since I last posted, but I'm tired.

I don't even know where to start...and this week is going to be sooo busy!!

Daily Occurence...

2010-02-15T18:09:00.000-08:00

Being a single mother isn't ideal or perfect. However, I am finding my new step in life. This includes trying to figure out a balance or solutions to new problems alone.

The hardest part of my day isn't...
-morning routine
-laundry
-cooking
-shuttling Buddy around
-Buddy wanting my constant attention (well sort of)

The HARDEST part of my day is either right before dinner or right after. It's the time in the day when I am trying to cook, which usually includes Buddy helping, or when I am trying to clean-up.

It's the hardest part because that's when Buddy is in his "I not listening to you" mode. Even when he is cooking with me he isn't listening or when I put a cartoon on to entertain him, he is getting in trouble in some form.

Basically, it's at the end of the day and I am tired. I'm tired and there is no one around to keep him entertained and from making bad choices to get my attention.

And usually, it just so happens that that's when my husband calls to chat with me/us. So of course, he starts to make it about him..."Every time I call you are always in a hurry or busy and don't want to talk to me." Hmmm, I'm at home alone with a 3 year old. Get a grip.

I need plan so that every night we (Buddy and I) don't have this same problem. I don't expect it to always work but I need to think of something so I don't feel so frustrated EVERY night!

Any suggestions??? I would appreciate it.

Happy Valentine's Day...

2010-02-14T21:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to ME!!!

Love,
ME

That's right, today was my first Valentine's Day as a single mother. Honestly, it was great (better than expected). I thought I was going to miss HIM but I didn't. It was actually refreshing that I didn't have to pretend to be over the moon in love!

Today I spent time with my #1 Valentine and LOVE of my life...Buddy!!

We had a great day getting stuff done around the house (cleaning), giving the dog a bath, playing games, washing the car, and visiting my grandma. I wouldn't have wanted to spend this Valentine's any other way. Buddy was a big helper. :)

On a serious note, I am just reminded today that I need to be in LOVE with myself before I can give myself to anyone else. I think this is part of my problem. I stopped loving myself and then the same happened with my marriage/HIM.

Not anymore! It's like I need to renew "wedding vows" with MYSELF! I promise never to lose myself again, I promise to genuinely laugh, I promise to love myself forever...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!

My "Friend"...

2010-02-10T12:50:00.001-08:00

Before I ever told anyone about my separation I knew that people were going to have their own opinions. I knew that some people might back away, stop talking to me, take sides, etc. I was prepared for all scenarios.

One scenario that I was prepared for was my “friend” to be crazy! She is the type of person who feels it is her life’s mission to SAVE everyone and HELP everyone. Basically, she puts her nose into situations where she shouldn’t. I was prepared for this.

I knew she was going to immediately feel bad for me, try to help me, and most importantly start talking about how life would be like for me as a single mother. In fact, she had started to make comments about my parenting even before Buddy was born because of how often my husband had to travel.

Well I have news for people…I like being alone. I always have! Ever since my husband started traveling I enjoyed the time I had during the week doing whatever I pleased. And all of those feelings are back in full swing. I am starting to feel happy again.

Today my “friend” started talking with others, once I walked out of the room, about how she feels bad for me being a single parent…talking about how she wouldn’t know what to do…AND how she thinks it’s good I only have one kid.

Well, fuck you! Who do you think you are to judge anyone? Aren’t we supposed to be “friends”? Why do you think so little of me? I am a stronger person alone than I was married. I have found my own voice and am just trying to figure out what to do next with my OWN life! I already told you that if I needed anything I would let you know. Just because I haven’t NEEDED you doesn’t give you the right to talk shit or think so little of me. Why do you automatically assume that this isn’t what I wanted? Don’t assume you know what is going on in house!!! And guess what I have been a single parent for almost 3 years!!! He just finally moved out of my house!!!

I know I’m yelling.

I thank you for your concern but now you need to shut up. Just stop. You don’t know what you are talking about and even if you think you are being helpful, you’re not. I know this is your personality but right now you are wrong!! Just stop. Just stop.

I Cried Today...

2010-02-06T20:26:00.001-08:00

Today was really difficult and I don't know how to put it into words. Sorry if this post is a jumbled mess!

Basically, I was blindsided. Until today I felt in control and happy to be moving forward and with a snap of my husband's fingers those feelings were lost. Here is how it went...

We had a busy day planned. My husband came over early in the morning to take Buddy and I to Buddy's swim lessons. Then we had already made plans to babysit our friends kids for a couple of hours before he moved out. AND since I hadn't told her yet that he moved we played along for the day for the kids. I didn't feel it was my place to share anything with their kids about our lives. Also, if he left before they did Buddy was going to say something.

BTW, we told Buddy earlier in the week that his daddy had a new house. He took the news like I would assume any two year old...he didn't understand. But at least he has been REALLY good about it.

Anyways, my husband spent too much time with me today. This is partially my fault but he wanted to watch a couple of TV shows and see Buddy. What got me pissed off was the discussion about money.

Money is obviously never a good topic of conversation, especially when you are separated. But fuck he is ridiculous!!!

He made all kinds of comments, accusations, and brought the topic of my parents in the conversation!!

By the time he left I was going to be in tears...I thought if I just talked to my BFF I would be fine before going to dinner at my parent's house.

I was wrong. I took one look at my dad and lost it. The tears just started coming...

Not only were my parents home but my sister was there too! As usual, they were absolutely wonderful and supportive!!! I know that with their love and support Buddy and I will make it through this.

I just hate how he can make me feel so bad about myself. Fuck him!!! And the worst part of everything is tomorrow I have to go to a party to watch the Super Bowl and he will be there.

I can't let anyone know any of my emotions on the subject tomorrow! I am going to be in the best mood possible if not for myself or Buddy but for my sister and her family! I will NOT ruin the relationships I have with others because he is a dick.

I also need to think of another way to refer to him on the blog, "my husband," just isn't working for me at all!!! Any suggestions?

Today...

2010-02-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

Today feels like any other day of the week, no different than any other Monday. Except my marriage ended (sort of we just separated) and my husband moved out.

I know sad, right?

It just feels as if he went on a business trip and he'll be home soon. In fact, we will be seeing him on Wednesday.

It did feel a bit strange tonight when Buddy and I sat at the kitchen table to eat dinner. I looked at the empty chair where my husband usually sits and thought about how it's going to be empty more often than not.

At some point this will all come crashing down, I just don't know when.

Tomorrow...

2010-01-31T20:47:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day. My husband will be moving out and we will officially be separated. My marriage of almost six years will be over (to an extent). Wow, when you get married you never think this could happen but now...

It is real. But as my wise sister told me, "You have to be at peace with your decision and trust that God has a plan." (I think I quoted her correctly...she said much more today but those words really stuck out.) Like I said in a previous post, my sister is amazing. I sometimes feel that she is the older sister giving all this fabulous advice.

I am just ready for tomorrow to be here. I am tired of having the same conversation or lack of conversation over and over. All he talks about is what he is going to take with him when he leaves. TAKE IT ALL I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!

I can sit and listen to the same shit but what I didn't appreciate tonight was the fact that he didn't even respect that Buddy was sitting right with us. I know that I sometimes am not as careful as I should be, I'll admit that. But when we are eating dinner you shouldn't make the following statements...

When I move out...

I hope I can find another place to live...

What? Why are you looking at me like that? You think he isn't going to know something is wrong when I'm not home this week or on the weekend?

REALLY??? Why are you being an ASS??? I know Buddy's world is going to be rocked!! I get that. I also get that you don't understand why I feel the way I do. And I know that whomever you talk to will get your fucked up version of things. Fine. I'll be the bad guy, it's for the best. I know that in my heart.

However, I am more concerned about Buddy than you fucking give me credit for!! I don't think it is appropriate to talk about him or our separation as if he isn't sitting at the same table as us!!!!

I don't have the right answer. How are you supposed to tell an almost 3 year old that his dad doesn't live in his house anymore????

I Have the Best Sister...

2010-01-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

I just wanted everyone to know that I have the BEST sister on the planet!!!

I love and admire her more than she knows...

New Layout...

2010-01-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

Since I am still continuing with my motto...fake it until you believe it...I thought I would change the background to my blog.

The title of the background was "Little Miss Sunshine."

I found it appropriate and too funny!

:)

Exhausted & Positive...

2010-01-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I was just going to post about how exhausted I am mentally...then realized that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

The other day I was talking to someone who said depression isn't you crying all the time, it's when you don't want to get out of bed. That's where I'm at. But I just need to remind myself every morning to get my ass up!!

So instead of just posting something negative, I will post about something positive too!

Money.

Normally, money is no where near positive in my house but it is right now...or at least I am trying to make it positive.

First, on Friday my husband is going to write me a check and that is the start of us being separated financially. Woo-hoo!! I will have my own account for the first time in 7 years!! I will be in control and this is a huge step for me.

Secondly, I looked over my bills and realized that saving for the summer isn't going to be as traumatic as I thought it was going to be!! I work in a school district where I only get paid 10 out of 12 months a year, so I need two months of savings. It is going to be REALLY close/tight but I think I can make enough changes in my bills to make it through!!!

I would be over the moon if I didn't have to work this summer and I could stay home with Buddy!!! I stayed home with him last year and LOVED every minute of it!!!!!

So we shall see but at least I have a more positive outlook on the situation.

Motivation...

2010-01-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

I need motivation.

I personally think that, in spite of everything, I have an AMAZINGLY positive attitude on life (if I do say so myself) but I lack motivation.

Now normally I just procrastinate on items at work and at home but at least I am motivated or trying to improve my teaching (work)...however, I am just NOT motivated to do anything at work!!

Hell, I feel like I am barely holding it together at home and am proud of myself for getting out of bed every morning. So, honestly work has fallen through the cracks. It also doesn't help that people I work "WITH" think I am beneath them.

But enough is enough! I am going to work tomorrow and I am going to fake it until I believe it.

I am going to pretend to be motivated and happy until I actually mean it.

Oh but where do I start? ;)

It's Happening...

2010-01-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

OK--I don't know where to begin.

First, I had a great time last night with my friends. I drank, I danced, and I had a ton of fun! Thank God for my brother-in-law and sister for driving me and letting me stay at their house. :)

Secondly, yesterday was the worst. My husband and I went to our marriage counseling appointment and before we even got started we weren't getting along. He was pissed and annoyed with me and he made sure I knew about it.

I thought our session was successful by the end. We had a plan and our therapist was very clear that we needed some decompression time. Too bad my husband didn't hear her because he just kept pushing.

Anyways, here is the bottom line.

He is moving out. I was honest and told him that I didn't know if I wanted to be married or not. He said that he thought in his heart that we were headed for divorce, I responded probably.

He is going to live in an Extended Stay for the next month while trying to find a place to rent. By the way, all he talked about today were the things he needs and what he wanted to take from our house when he moves. Fine.

We haven't talked anymore about divorce other than neither of us is in any kind of hurry. So, we will be just separated for who knows how long. I need to get through this before I can think about that.

Lastly, we have financial problems. Obviously, us paying rent for two places will be a strain. I finally told him I needed to see everything in writing and after doing so even he was starting to see a light...except I still have seen anything in writing. I will get through this too!

It's all happening...

This Week Sucks...

2010-01-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

This week has sucked for a number of reasons.

First, I have been stuck in an office for 3 freaking days!!! I know some people spend their entire day (everyday) in an office but not me. Really, how do people motivate themselves when all they do is sit on their ass all day?

Secondly, my husband has been home ALL week. I don't think I need to say more. However, I am going out tomorrow night...drinking and dancing with friends and NOT him!!!

Third, I am sitting here trying to write my blog and the phone rings. It's my friend who LOVES to just talk on the phone and be in everyone's business. Really? Go talk to your husband, I don't want to talk to you about work at 8:30 at night. I don't like what I have been doing for the last 3 days and you are the last person I want to discuss it with. So what ends up happening is I say something she doesn't care for and/or agree with so she quickly changes the subject.

My point to this entire post is simple. This week has sucked!!! I am ready for it to be over but too bad so sad for me it's not over. Tomorrow I have to sit in the office again with more people who freaking annoy me and then to put the cherry on top of it all....I get to go to marriage counseling in the afternoon! Fuck.

The only light at the end of the tunnel is tomorrow night I will be drinking and dancing!!!

Emotions...

2010-01-15T19:28:00.001-08:00

I love the emotions of a toddler!! Seriously, he is crying at least once a day for reasons I just don't understand. It is too cute!!!

I love that he cries because he wants to see his grandma, see his sister, when Pluto can't find Mickey, when Pluto is sad, someone on Special Agent Oso needs help, etc.

It is fun to see him start to learn different emotions and how he is trying to navigate dealing with them.

What I am not enjoying is how my husband is yelling at Buddy to stop crying.

Tonight for example, Buddy was exhausted!! He spent all day at his grandma's house and took NO nap. On the way home we stopped at one of my favorites, Chick-fil-A for dinner. We had a great time and I ran into an old high school friend, it was nice to see her.

The point is when we got home Buddy was even more tired than when we picked him up from grandma's. So now my husband starts YELLING at him because Buddy won't stop crying!!

"If you don't knock that shit off, I am going to bust your ass."

"That's it! I am not going to put up with this bullshit." Then starts taking him in the other room to spank him.

That's when I said enough.

My husband has always said to my stepdaughter and son that he was going to "bust ass" its like his way of telling them he means business. I have never like it but I figure to pick your battles, right? No, I am done and don't appreciate it.

Buddy is going to be three in two months and doesn't need to be talked to that way! He is not one of your construction workers on the job site.

So knock that fucking shit off!! Alright! LOL--sorry trying to make a joke!

I Don't Know...

2010-01-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin since the last time I blogged.

It's kind of scary that I am emotionless lately about everything going on in my marriage. I am not upset, mad, sad...

I think I am just ready for the next step.

My husband made a reservation to go to an Extended Stay hotel for a couple of months. In the hopes that in that time we can find a new place to start at in our relationship.

I asked for the space and believe that this is the best thing for Buddy and myself. My husband believes that if we can't work things out within the next couple of months then we are wasting our time.

I agree with him. However, since he says it should only take a couple of months that is our wedding anniversary and son's birthday...end of March. Nice huh?!

In the meantime it feels good to create this new person I want to become. A more independent person.

I got my new ATM/Visa card and new checks. Now I just need MONEY in the account.

I am looking forward to living alone...well as alone as one can be with an almost 3 year old. I can't believe he is going to be 3!! Wow time flies.

I am looking forward to life.

A Baby & a Wedding Ring...

2010-01-08T20:04:00.000-08:00

My husband has been home for two nights. Last night we talked about how he found a place to stay for a couple of months while we try to sort through and find a new start to our relationship...all good right? This is what I want, no question about it.

TONIGHT however he talked about the two things that don't reflect at all where we are in our relationship at the moment...he it goes.

We went to dinner with family tonight because I have relatives in town visiting. I love seeing them!!!

Anyways, my sister has two small children (2 year old and an 8 month old) whom Buddy just loves to pieces. He especially loves his baby girl cousin (8 months). In fact, he can be very protective of her.

On the way home my husband tells me that now Buddy is older he wouldn't mind having another child because Buddy would be such a great big brother. He then proceeded to remind me how I didn't want more children.

Are you kidding me? I talked to you about this 2 years ago and you said you were too old and would never want more!!! I then let go of the idea for several reasons...

1. You travel and I didn't want to be a single working mother to two kids. Even when you are home you don't help!
2. You are old...sorry.
3. You were completely adamant that you were done and I was trying to be a supportive wife and be happy with the life I have.

But more importantly is this the time to talk to me about kids? NO!!!!!!!

I don't even know what else to say about this. If any of my friends or family knew we had this conversation they would laugh their ass off!!! (Even my friends who know nothing about our separation.)

My second thing that he keeps talking about that annoys me is my wedding ring!

I'll be honest I have gained 20 pounds and my ring fits but is REALLY tight. So, I don't wear it. This bothers him completely.

Now he wants to go this weekend and get it resized.

Ugh. It never ends!! And I don't even want to say what is happening tomorrow...

New Resolutions...

2010-01-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to lose the 20 pounds I've gained while stuffing my face...time to start working on it!!

My BFF and I joined SparkPeople to help us reach our goals. I needed something new to get me inspired, Weight Watchers just wasn't cutting it anymore!

While I am in the process of learning to eat right, AGAIN!! We came up with a new way to shake up our exercise plan...

The idea is to create a number of different goals and each week pull an exercise goal from a hat. This way we will be shaking up our exercise routine!

Now we just have to come up with all of the different exercise ideas. Remember each plan is for an entire week. Here goes nothing...

1. Run 10 mi
2. Create different running routes
3. Walk 70,000 steps
4. Run 15 mi
5. 350 sit-ups
6. Go hiking (on a Saturday or Sunday)
7. 700 sit-ups

I need many more but I am totally excited!!!

Thank You Therapist...

2010-01-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

Today my husband and I had another marriage counseling appointment. At first I thought I wasn't going to have anything to say.

The nice thing about therapists...they pull it out of you!! :) That and my husband's comments make me want to scream!!!

However, there is nothing new to report on with his comments. Same old shit different day!

But really, don't ask me if we are still going to separate or not! I've already told you my answer and nothing has changed.

Well at least someone hears/understands me, too bad it's not my husband!! Thank you to our therapist for reiterating to my husband how I feel and what I want.

Too bad I went to the appointment in a good mood and got home irritated! This month couldn't go by faster.

Back to Reality...

2010-01-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

I have to get back to reality in a couple of ways...

First, my husband just got home a couple of hours ago, ugh. Will he ever stop talking? I am listening to him tell this stupid story for 10 minutes and I want to ask, "What is the point again?" But instead I just count in my head. By the way the story had nothing to do with anyone or anything I know or care about.

Now that he is home I just feel claustrophobic. Every where I look he is there and TALKING! He keeps saying how much he loves us and missed us...

I am sorry, I can't say the same thing to you.

And why in the middle of all of this does he bring up sex? I am in my pj's getting Buddy's stuff ready for tomorrow and all of a sudden he starts talking about how sexy I look.

Really??? I am in a t-shirt and flannel pants?! I don't want or need you to comment on my boobs. Or especially talk to Buddy about how he is the only one to touch Mommy's boobs!!! (Buddy was patting them and I was trying to teach him how he needs to keep his hands to himself, boys!)

Either way, I still want you to move out. Being gone for a couple of days doesn't fix anything for me. And I especially am NOT thinking about sex!!!!! Sorry.

Back to reality. The other reason why I have to face reality, because I have to go back to work tomorrow. At least I get to see my BFF.

Buddy and I have had such a great two weeks off together. I am looking forward to the summer.

I love you Buddy!!

Today was awesome!!

2010-01-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

So...I just added a new post to the blog and realized that I started two blog posts, in a row, with the same sentence. TODAY WAS AWESOME!

In case you were wondering..

1. That annoys me on a couple of levels.
2. I have had an AWESOME couple of days!!

Yes, I am certifiably insane. LMAO!

Household Chores...

2010-01-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today was awesome! Buddy and I slept till 7:30 am and spent the day at home. We were supposed to go to the movies but I passed. These last couple of days have been so busy that I just wanted to stay home with Buddy. Since the weather was so beautiful, we were outside most of the morning. I got a couple of loads of laundry done, cleaned up the kitchen, and more...all with no husband home.

The biggest fight (well one of them) that I have with my husband is about laundry. Seriously, I know laundry!! What the fuck right?

Well, I procrastinate. I am honest and upfront about it. I hate laundry and when I have someone nagging me...well it just makes it worse.

However, today I did all of my laundry and I only have Buddy's to do tomorrow. And let me tell you it will be done before my husband comes home. Yes, to prove a point.

Independence...

2009-12-30T15:30:00.000-08:00

Today was awesome! First, I spent the day with my BFF shopping, talking, and having lunch. Who doesn't love a girl day with no kids?!

Next, I headed to the bank to set up my saving/checking accounts. This may seem ridiculous to get excited about but coming from someone who hasn't had any control over her own money or bills this is freedom!

Recently, my husband and I decided to split the bills and even as unfair as the asshole is, I am excited. I want control of my own life and this is the first step.

What a nice way to start the new year!! Right?!

Although, I must be honest. I took with me the necessary paperwork to have direct deposit changed to the new account. When I was done filling it all out and had the bank write their information, the man asked me if I wanted him to turn in the paperwork...I chickened out.

I don't know why?! My husband is going to be pissed off anyways. He isn't sure when he wants to start splitting the bills and I want to tell him....because you fucked it all up!!

No worries, I can turn it into my district office on Monday when I go back to work. He can just be pissed off at me in person instead of from another state. LMAO!!

New Year's Resolutions...

2009-12-29T20:04:00.000-08:00

I started thinking about the year 2010 and what I want it to look like. I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions but I figured I was at a point in my life when I should start thinking about the future. This is what I have come up with... **Not in any particular order**

I want Buddy to be happy and healthy…what mother doesn’t want this!

Be independent (married or not).

As for my career, I want to focus on my classroom curriculum and specific strategies that I can use with my students.

Lose the 20 pounds I have gained from stuffing my face.

Organize the closets in my house and clean out my garage.

Read more adult books NOT children fiction books.

Continue to learn how to cook.

Find Buddy a preschool.

Make Buddy laugh as often as I can.

Do something spontaneous with family, friends, or just Buddy.

Take Buddy to Sea World.

Be honest with family and friends about my feelings.

Learn to ask for help when I need it.

Drink more water.

Walk the dog more.

Teach Buddy to ride a bike.

Transition Buddy to sleeping in his own bed every night…it’s my fault, I created a monster.

Work through my financial problems. Oh how I have problems!!!!

Go to Happy Hour with my friends!

This is a long list; I have BIG ambitions for 2010!!

Happiness...

2009-12-29T15:23:00.000-08:00

My husband and I had a rather unusual marriage counseling appointment yesterday.

He went into the session with guns blazing and left hating our therapist. HAHA!! As soon as we walked out of the door he said, "I don't like her and I want to find someone else."

My response, "Go ahead find someone. I have looked all over and I like her." A couple of minutes later he was fine.

What I found to be so wonderful was that the therapist validated both our feelings. I like that no matter how much it bothers me when she agrees with him, she agrees and understands me just as well. Exactly what a person should do when they aren't in the relationship.

But the best part was when she saw us in an actual interaction when it came to scheduling our next appointment. How I wish I had a video camera!!! You can't truly understand my husband unless you see him in action. My words don't do it justice.

Anyways, about happiness. My husband is constantly reminding me that happiness is a state of mind. Well let me tell you...

I took you to the airport at 4:30 am this morning (with Buddy) and when I got home we both went back to sleep...this is happiness.

I just spent the entire day running errands, meeting friends, changing bedsheets, etc. all with Buddy...this is happiness.

Tomorrow I am going to meet my best friend for a day of shopping, movie, etc....this is happiness.

Are we getting the picture? All of my happiest times are when you aren't around.

So as I am finishing this blog post Buddy is screaming my name because he is done with his nap...this is happiness.

Merry Christmas...

2009-12-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas was so wonderful!!! On Christmas Eve my entire family came over for dinner and presents. I couldn't have been happier that my sister and brother-in-law decided to come over. Buddy had such a great time with his cousins.

Christmas day was relaxed. We had breakfast at a friend's house and then spent the rest of the day at home playing with all the new toys Buddy got. By the way, why do manufacturers have to wire each piece of toy to the cardboard box? HAHA

The next day the husband and I took Buddy up to Mountain High to go TUBING! Oh my did we have so much fun!!!! Buddy loved it and wanted to go faster. Once we were done we went to lunch and came home.

If I do say so myself, we have had quite the holiday! Too much fun!!

In the mist of all the fun, I thought that the husband had misjudged the future. However, today when I got home from the mall we had another conversation about it. We talked about separation, money, bills, belongings, etc. and it was good. He asked if I was still leaning towards a separation, and I said yes. He doesn't understand but I still feel that this is for the best, for me and eventually for Buddy.

Anyways, I think he found an Extended Stay in a near by city that he is going to stay at for a couple of months. This way he doesn't have to take or buy anything for an apartment or take belongings from our house and it gives a little less disruption for Buddy. He will come to our house to see Buddy and I. We can set a schedule. He doesn't want to rent an apartment or get stuck in a lease until we (or I) decide it is permanent and heading towards divorce.

I also told him that I feel good about where we are at the moment, friends. But that is not a marriage. He reminded me that he doesn't want to be friends but to be married. I know he wants sex and to be intimate but I reminded him that I am not in that place right now. He at least admitted that if we can't be intimate then we shouldn't be married.

Ups and downs, ups and downs...Ugh. I hate the feeling that I am doing this to my son...changing his world forever. But I was reminded today that every decision I make is for Buddy. Guilt is just so ugly.

Quiet Time...

2009-12-23T08:27:00.001-08:00

Awwwww, quiet. My husband just took Buddy out to run a couple of errands and that means I am left alone for at least a couple of hours. Nice. I love having peace and quiet time to myself and it happens so rarely. So I thought I would update the blog...

I am so excited for today. I have plans to meet my friend and her kiddos at the park, my husband and I have our marriage counseling appointment(not that much fun but...), and I am going out with the girls!!!! That is right, I have having a GNO. I don't remember when the last time I went out with the ladies. My husband isn't all to pleased but he won't come right out and say it. He just keeps acting like a dad, "Remember more people go to jail this week for drunk driving than any other."

I looked right at him and asked "Really, do you think I am that stupid?" I not going to be a drunk driver (I just got over the flu!) and I not going to ruin Christmas Eve with a hangover. I am seriously looking forward to having my family all over for Christmas Eve dinner, I wouldn't do anything to harm that. I am hoping this is the best Christmas ever!! Speaking of which, I need to go finish wrapping presents. :)

So everyone out there...I hope you find some quiet time today!

Friendship...

2009-12-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Since my husband and I went to our marriage counseling appointment things have been good. We have been really busy and I think that has kept us in a good place. Again tonight we talked about separating and how he already planned how we could separate the bills...if I wanted to continue with the separation.

I don't know where I stand on the matter but married or not we have found a new friendship. This weekend has really been good for us. In fact, he was nice to people which he is never nice to at a party. I feel like we have been more of a team now than we have been for the longest time. I don't want to lose that. I feel like if I do give our marriage ANOTHER chance we are going to end up in the same place 6 months down the road. And how do you find the friendship again? And Buddy will be older, he will understand more. Ugh. I hate decisions.

As much as I hate decisions, I know in my heart where I stand...

Marriage Counseling Appointment...

2009-12-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

I thought I would give an update on how the marriage counseling appointment went. First of all, I liked our therapist. She was really nice and straight to the point. I liked how she kept us owning our own feelings and not blaming others. I especially liked how she was trying to teach us how to communicate with one another. She gave sentence starters and as a teacher I thought that was funny. The main issue that we have in our marriage (which she identified immediately) is boundary issues. My husband says exactly what is on his mind with no regard to others feelings, where as I take things personally and don’t share my emotions, which in turns build a "wall". Yes, you are right. I just don’t know how this "wall" is going to come down or if it is ever going to come down. One thing she told Rex was that he could try all he wanted but it is on me NOT him if “my wall” doesn’t come down. I liked that I think that will give him some peace.

I thought that our first appointment was successful. I am looking forward to our appointment next week. HOWEVER, the best part about all of this was us talking because after our appointment we developed a plan. He is going to travel after Christmas and at the beginning of the New Year. In the middle of January if I still feel we need more space then he can start finding a place to live. I like this plan because right now I feel like we are in limbo and this gives us path. We can either work out our differences and stayed married or separate.

Who knows what the future will bring? I know that we are going to have some rough times ahead of us. But I don’t hate my husband and I would like to keep it that way.

Nerves...

2009-12-16T12:53:00.001-08:00

To say I am nervous is an understatement. Today my husband and I are going to our first marriage counseling appointment. I have no clue how this is going to go or what I am going to say. All I know is that I am ready. My goal is to be as honest and forthcoming with him as I am with my family and friend. On a side note, I am not happy with the fact that we are driving together to the appointment. How am I supposed to calm down or call and vent to my family or friend if he is in the car afterward? It’s going to be like an extended amount of therapy time. This gives me no time for my own thoughts because let me tell you, my husband doesn’t ever shut up! We’ll see…stay tuned!

Vacation ASAP...

2009-12-12T18:51:00.000-08:00

I need to get away...I want to go to a hotel, have room service, sleep in a warm/dark room until I feel like getting up, drink champagne, and have a full spa treatment. Do you think this would change my mood? I am soooo depressed I don't know how to get out of it. I don't want to leave Buddy but he knows something is wrong with me because he is acting out just like he did last weekend! No nap, whining, and crawling all over me and I have NO patience. Especially when I have to listen to my husband get upset because a two year old doesn't play baseball properly, I am sorry Buddy. And how many times does a father feel the need to jump in when a mother is scolding her son. Really I have control!

A vacation is a nice thought but I can't run away from my problems. Just a dream...

My husband should be in the process of finding a place to go but no. This is my fault he really doesn't understand and he thinks things are so much better. Really??? A couple of days with you home isn't going to change anything. I think this is why my mood is so ridiculous. I want it done and I am tired of him talking all about the future, how much he loves me, etc. Really this feeling that I am experiencing right now is worse than the faking I have been doing for a better part of a year. Honestly, I know why...I am done with the marriage. But in the meantime for the sake of myself and Buddy I need to snap out of it!!! But how?

In a funk...

2009-12-11T16:10:00.000-08:00

I am in a funk!!! I feel so blah and I just don't know how to break out of it. Ugh...I need fun, a make-over, and to lose weight!!! I am tired of feeling so down all the time. I am just tired and have to fight with myself to get out of bed in the morning. Now normally this time of the year is usually difficult for me at work and with everything going on in my personal life is just making everything worse. How does one get out of a funk?

Christmas...

2009-12-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

This Christmas Eve is going to be different, my sister informed me that her family won't be able to come to our house for Christmas Eve. Their reason is valid, she doesn't want to be around my husband knowing that we are having issues. She doesn't want to be fake...HAHA!! Well, I am the president of the Faking Club. Did she want to join? I've got news for her...my husband is going to be around FOREVER whether or not I am married to him. He is Buddy's father and that is not going to change.

This whole situation sucks. However, having control of my life again is so exciting. Yes, I am still in a crappy situation but I hold all the cards (at least right now). I know life is not going to be the same ever again! I won't let it because I am going to be the one to make decisions for my life with no more compromise!!!

Guilt...

2009-12-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

I was prepared for guilt; guilt from my husband, my son (not intentionally, he’s two), and guilt that I would place on myself. My husband is in fact one of the best manipulators that I know, and now he is getting really good at making me feel guilty. I don’t know if he is intentionally trying to make me feel guilty but either way, ugh. Last night was his first night home since Friday (gone 4 nights) and all he talked about was how our marriage is going to work. How if we both want it to work, it will. We both want it right??? “I just can’t imagine not waking up and seeing Buddy, how am I going to afford to live in CA…I’ll have to move and then Buddy won’t see his daddy, etc.” GUILT, GUILT, GUILT… Notice he didn’t even once mention about moving out again, like I asked him to.

Honestly, I don’t know how this marriage is going to work out. On top of being unhappy I just don’t know how I am ever going to be attracted to my husband again. I have been sooo unhappy for sooo long and it isn’t just going to go away. He even suggested we stay married (even without sex) for the sake of our son. NO! However, I want to try to make this work for my son…notice I don’t say for MYSELF…I want to give him that perfect family life. But really who am I kidding, perfect is when I am happy with my son. In return he will be happy. Right?

I feel like I am rambling but that is how my emotions are feeling right now, a huge messy pile of shit. I just hope that once we finally go see a marriage counselor next week things will get started. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Right now my husband and I are acting like friends again, I know I am dreaming, and I just want that to last for the sake of my son.

Marriage Counselor...

2009-12-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have a good marriage counselor they can recommend in the LA/Long Beach area? Or know how to find one? I am in the process...didn't think it hurt to put it out there. Thanks.

A Good Day...

2009-12-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day...it started off rocky because I honestly just didn't want to get out of bed, but I am glad I did. It was good for me to think about other things besides the separation (or lack there of) and to be around my BFF (I am lucky enough to work with her). But the best part about today was actually tonight...Buddy and I made dinner together. It actually turned out really yummy and he was a big help!! We made pork chops, zucchini, squash and couscous. And to top it off had dessert (bananas, chocolate, marshmallows, and gram crackers). I love nights like this. And let me tell you I needed it!!! It was a good reminder that I can be a single mom (someday) and be HAPPY. I am the happiest when I am with my son and we are just enjoying each other. Yes, Buddy has some moments of tantrums and whining but I just need to remind myself that he is 2 (almost 3 in March).

So, today was a good day!! The rest of the bullshit will have to wait until tomorrow...night, night!

Frustrated...

2009-12-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

I am frustrated! I know I need to get over it, but I just wanted a relaxing weekend...only I feel that I have gotten moments of peace.

My husband--he is gone on a business trip. Fine, that is great! I want a separation and this was going to give me sometime to relax and enjoy Buddy. NOOOO, he just keeps calling and wants to be all sweet and mushy. If you knew my husband at all you would understand why this is not helpful. Being nice overnight doesn't make anything better.

I wanted to be able to use this time to figure out what is the next step. I want him to move out of the house while we try to work on our relationship. I was hoping to find a marriage counselor that we could go to. With my husband living at home I know all it would do would suffocate me more. I think his best chance is to give me space, which obviously he doesn't understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I want to be able to look at Buddy when he is 20 and know deep within my heart that I did EVERYTHING I could to save my marriage. But in reality I am done.

Lastly, I am frustrated with Buddy. I know he is only 2 1/2 years old but he is not listening (even more than usual). With my lack of sleep, mixed emotions, and frustration towards my husband...it is just making me even more agitated. Last night he was so tired that he cried for about an hour because nothing was making him happy. I feel for him!

The Beginning...

2009-12-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am new to the blog world and am looking forward to this journey. Reading other blogs have helped me to see that writing a blog is going to be very therapeutic for me. However, I don't know how or where to start, so here goes nothing...

I am having a difficult time in my life right now and needed a place where I could vent my honest and RAW EMOTIONS about MY LIFE. I am a 31 year old who is unhappy in her marriage, loves her son, and is looking forward to the future no matter what it brings...I have HOPE!!

Let me start with the best thing in my life...my son Buddy. He is an out going almost 3 year old who loves everything sports. I love him more than anything...even when he is whining!! As a mother I couldn't be prouder. I love waking up every morning to a new day with him.

The damper in this story is my marriage of almost 6 years. For the last year, I have been unhappy. Now normally if something in my life is wrong, I take it upon myself to try to fix it. I am a fixer. I don't like confrontation or hurting anyone's feelings so I keep it all to myself. Therefore, this is why it has taken me a year (more if I am really honest) to be able to tell my husband that I am UNHAPPY. To even say that I am unhappy aloud is a huge step for me. I am beyond tired of the fighting, yelling, screaming, hurtful words, pretending, etc. I don't feel that we have respect for each other or have anything in common anymore (besides our son). Two days ago, I told him I wanted a separation. It was a complete shock to his system and of course he started to manipulate the situation. And now I think he is living in la la land. I am not trying to be the home-wrecker everyone will make me out to be. I am trying to make ME happier. I feel with all of my being that no child should be raised in an unhappy home. If I am a happier and confident person, I know that I will be a better mother to Buddy.

This blog will be the place where I can share my feelings, thoughts, and RAW EMOTIONS of everything going on in my life. Sometimes you will like what I have to say, other times not. Hell you may not like the language I might be using because I promise that there will be words such as FUCK, ASS, SHIT, etc. or even the topic I will be writing about. Take it for what it is worth because these are still my RAW EMOTIONS and I own them.